When a man wants what he can't have, he isn't much of a man...especially in the shower.

Sometimes, a man doesn't act much like a man. In my case, that would be majority of the time. When a man wants something he can't have he tends to act a fool. For example: I want to be able to eat in the shower, but no! I can't due to the problems that will arise if attempted; however I tried anyway and needless to say it was a disaster of great proportions.

                It all started while I was watching television the other day and “Seinfeld” came on.  It was the episode where George decided to implement food into the bedroom, meaning he wanted to eat while having sex.  This gave me an idea.  What if I could incorporate food into something I love?  I happen to love taking showers; it’s quite relaxing.  I want to eat in the shower!           Is it possible to pull off?  I wanted this more than anything.

I began planning.  I thought that Lean Pockets would be the best choice of food as they’re delicious and easy to make.  Attempt number one was about to take place!  I cooked two lean pockets and went into my bathroom.  I started running the water and waited for the mirrors to steam to make sure the water was nice and hot before I went in.  I slowly removed my clothes, only for the purposes of a sexy/traumatizing description I could later write down in blog format.  I stepped in and operation shower eater was a go!

As soon as I stepped in, the lean pocket began to get soggy and gross.  I attempted to take a bite out of it and it slipped from my hand and into the water below (as there’s always a clog since I don’t clean my tub often).  Attempt one had failed.  No matter, I can always try again right?

I cooked two more lean pockets.  I decided to try and cover them with a plastic grocery bag in order to keep them from getting soggy.  The idea was to stick my head into the bag and eat them.  I did just that and the water from the shower head caused the bag to collapse as it’s a high pressure head, then the bag filled with water and the lean pockets were destroyed.  I was upset, very upset.

I left the shower and walked into the kitchen.  There, at the table, was my Mother eating a lean pocket with ease.  I got extremely jealous and upset.  I grabbed her plate and began to yell at the food: “Fuck you!!  After I’ll I’ve done for you this is how you repay me??  I’m always there for you and you can’t even allow yourself to be eaten in the shower!  You’re ugly and stupid and you don’t deserve a man as good as me!”  Tears began to spill from my eyes as I instantly regretted what I had said to my microwavable companion.  “I’m sorry!” I said, “I just got a little crazy, please forgive me.  It won’t happen again I promise, I’m just not myself right now.”  I was hoping the lean pocket would forgive me for my behavior; all the while my Mother was staring at me in horror as I cried and begged to the the meat filled, low calorie pastry. 

I took the half eaten lean pocket back into the shower with me so I could smooth things over, however it did not go as planned.  The processed turkey and broccoli slipped from the bread crust and onto the bathtub floor then washed down the drain…I was alone.

The lean pocket had left me, and who could blame it?  Not only was I going to eat it and digest it into pure liquid, uncomfortable fecal matter, but I had exhibited unwarranted jealous and irrational behavior.  I wanted something I couldn’t have, and unfortunately could not accept that.  That’s what men do; we act like maniacs when we are denied what we believe should be ours.  In reality, I should give up my pursuit of lean pocket shower bliss and move on, but I won’t.  “Why?” you may ask yourselves; because I am a man, and because I am a man I do indeed…suck.